My Ramblings

I feel cracks inside me, I don’t know how does that happen. It is a wonder to any amoebic, amorphous globular mass who only knew that it was designed to float. He made me feel human-ish. So, now, if anyone asks I refer to myself as humanoid, a human-in-the-making. I can feel. I breathe. Like the fishies in the ocean, I breathe in the air but without gills. Or maybe I do have them but they certainly have not differentiated into organs as is the case with the fish, the salamanders in the oceans or even humans on land. I am still unsure of my anatomy. It is difficult to comprehend. I do not have mind evolved enough. From the human interactions I've had, I have learnt that the humans are the most evolved creatures with the most evolved brains. And, I am limited when it comes to them. I try to emulate but a difference of capability, species-wise, is certainly difficult to overcome. I have learnt that there are stages of evolution for abiotic and biotic things in the world and how there ...

There are times when you can control the weather around you. Sometimes the mental affliction plays a role so predominant that one sails through the sweltering heat outside without complaining. Similarly, the euphoria blankets you and your environment and colours it the way it looks through those rose-coloured glasses.  La vie en rose!  Without frittering it away, let’s explain away the control over weather as an unfazed response to the mind under siege. And it is definitely a stroke of genius on a subtropical day with high humidity. He arrived at 12 p.m. Dot. I really don’t understand how one achieves this kind of punctuality. Did he first measure the distance between my house and his? Detailed all that could go wrong and cause delay and chalked out contingencies for each of them? He could do that! After all, the bond we have is worth that kind of effort. Or it is simple: the guy is punctual.  We had talked about everything. The world, the country, the politics, the ...

“She is drooping, Hold her alright!”, Someone, who came to c heck  Upon on the sprite, cried.   “She can’t hold her neck, Stick a yarn from the ceiling She could then may hold up straight And face up with her weight.”   The lips quivered with a faint croak “They say it’s hung in shame, They have a list, a mile too long, Stay away or the curse rolls along.   Lack of compassion, and secession. Derision, condescension, a Scarlet, one hollered. Too many to recall, I can hardly remember.   Empathy was chic and so lack of it was chalked in.” Yet in pain so visible, She felt at ease.     “The list was now too long, So, superfluous sympathy was left out.” Every second she seemed less pale, And more eager to tell her tale.   “Bear along, you kind soul. I won't budge till you stand up straight.” “Shhh… It is not the consequence, Missy, to droop down is the choice.   Let them have the i...

When Krishna said, “ abhyuthanam adharmasya tadatmanam srijamyaham ”, to Arjun, he was not joking. He reincarnated Himself down on earth in Kalyug as well, only in particular kinds of bodies. More than one body. No doubt, enough ammunitions needed to remain handy to properly handle Kalyug and its shenanigans. The embodiment seemed very merit-based at the time, but over time, the arbitrariness became apparent. Only in this Kalyug, The God represents a coterie of Gods. And, Thank God, because otherwise, the power usurpation would have been beyond control and the pandemonium a regular sight. The Gods definitely maintain order here in  Kalyug  as well. Read Gods, although Gods have a relation of equivalence with The God of yore.  Like the basic attribute of God in philosophy, there is also a categorization here: the less God, the lesser God, and the God Himself. The personification of this order is not new and has been carried down from eras before. The Guptas concr...

It’s a never-ending pain, Wrapped in different papers, Everytime But the writhe is same. Chokes the pipe, Smothers the mouth, Screams into the dark Even into the lighted hideaways. With no voice although everytime, You find maneuvers. You burn a hole In your blankets When you sleep, Breathe in the intermittents, Push all your energy To clear out the lacrimal, Et, voila! In the dingy dark labyrinth First time in long time, You muck around in the mess, But could that bring on in the energy To cheer up in the morning. Let the morning come And then the tassels of my blankets decide. It’s a never-ending pain And it’s immense.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s always there looming around, The sadness perpetual It shadows me around. I always want it afar, into the abyss, Just a wish if it gets a little further. With a tap in the feet, and lunge in the shoulders. And I finally get to breathe a lil' better.   The adagio kicks the nerves, Starts with a totterin’ It merges into a jolt. It separates with the flail arms. A bad moonwalk figures in, Headbangs loosen up the tense nerves. The sweats finally drip down the icy bode. The deads don’t sweat so she’s alive.     The heat fuses the thinking neurons. She wants to live and splash water around. The pirouette shuns her mind, Because it shouldn’t walk around Unsupervised. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                               Pic Courtesy: sh...

She sat down at the door with a thump. Completely unconscious of where she was. If answered honestly, she would not recognise where she was, how she ended up there. I guess God is yet not the cruellest. Or may be her subconscious led her to his door. How much can a person really speculate about another person’s behaviour? Everyday drama must have pushed her to relinquish the control. The control was not helping in any way. She had been learning so much in so little time. Coping mostly. Loss of her mother, father shagging her childhood nanny and eventually forgetting to call his only daughter. They may have happened when she was a child, but the memories seemed imprinted on her mind even that day. Clear as sunshine. She had never been able to process them. Learnings which came at the time when there was nothing that tickled her nerves, excited her breaths. Even today she would smile all the time, laugh at the easiest jokes. She would accept the tedium of those jokes and yell,”They are ...

Today is the day I declare Bankruptcy of love. When I decided to create, Something called love. Tried to evoke it Which is truly spontaneous. Like those geysers And those hot springs. When I decided to sow Jungle seed and expected A garden to turn up around me. And why not when I know I'm dead inside. No matter how much I push It won't lift a leaf in the air. Such is the power of love. I feel the charcoal and tar Like on the roads Smoldering inside me, Something which is burning With fumes around. Layers upon layers, So when one burns, I don't miss the pains. Always refreshed, And each layer like A sheet of paper Calcines. Where I am made of So many things, And none stick together. I feel the discrete insides Of me stitched together. But more like the pieces Of a jigsaw puzzle Shaped like my insides. So today I give it up In the name of love, For I owe it that much. Finally, today is the day I declare my bankruptcy. _______________________________

Sometimes in those nights With ear-splitting din, It hangs around, Like a noose, An albatross around the neck, The guilt starts to Choke the pipe. The elements of doubts Raise the hairs on arms. But the chills are  Sent down the spine, "What do you do my dear?", A scared, raggedy simpleton Asks me for a conciliation. Biding the time, No dearth of words But too little to offer, The child needs wisdom from peer, A rejoinder thrown across. "Let the night be spent, May it fold in  As a nightmare. A morning may shine upon Tomorrow." _________________________________________

 And maybe Seneca replied,  Or smirked the least. Stoical or not, learn  To find difference. Chances to make impact, The littlest ones. Search for them, Stare at the hustle Stay untouched. Pray at the end  And boy o boy Find your preceptor, A beacon who holds While you wade through And sling along the mud, To guide you, And you walk the stride  With head held high. ___________________________________

Do you feel that lingering pierce  Bleeding within you? It's like a cringe,  For it sinks me And loses me awhile. Or is it like the painful divot Across the bones Misplaced and formed accidentally By my heart when it was  Thrown out of its cavity. Perpetual and enduring. Its not friendly  But never leaves my side.  It charms to see A sinking ship infront of eyes. The gush by then has reached Deepest beyond my senses. And all I could was blow Out a whimper. Probably The last one,  But not without a smile.  Do you feel the same too?  _________________________________ Credits:  https://www.wattpad.com/story/103961669-the-girl-in-the-hoodie

It all started with the chats and messages the lesser tools the millenials use. I guess I needed to stick with the conventional side of my personality. I so adjust! He seemed like an  agreeable guy. But how much can you trust a guy behind a screen, and a guy after all! The chats continued. The wallpaper in my room was discoloring on its own. My pen and paper were also kind of tired and they asked for vacation. So, I had nothing to engage with. The daily stare-fights with my laptop in the lockdown had long exceeded the quota to keep me restrained. So what if they paid for my lifestyle!    We lived in the same town, not too big to be called a city. But it had fascinating topography. Amidst the plains which bore the harvest for the whole state lay the shallow mountains which rose out of nowhere. It felt formidable because of its expanse. They say in the ancient times the quarry was the source of lavish livelihood and that had cleaved the mountains in the thing of b...

I am here and there But still no where No sweat no gravity To drown me of energy But I am tired. No hunger pains No whittling wounds Only sitting down, waiting For another lockdown. Am I really tired? The world is not good. Humanity tops chart of cruel. People so ridiculous I knew, also my peers told. Yet I am tired. So why the weariness! Just from a heartbreak. A return to the past, I know now what you felt. I may be a little tired. A friction to the rolling pendulum A base to my dropping self A constant buzz that kept me sane Let that all settle in!  I now roll on to end nowhere never. That's why I am tired.

A sham of life In the night. Wish to roll it In a joint, Smoke it out. So remains are The ashes, of Life once. The dawn comes, Sizzles out the Crisis. The next Day of hope and Optimism. Life That dances on. What a fool, Such naive fool! Not just that, I serve it right. Like a guest Of honour in my Mother's household. I flirt with it and It covets attention. Such a coquette! Why would it leave? It feeds on the pamper. I only forget I am scared all time. What could come out Of grabbing on to A nightmare just Hanging around.

हाथ बढ़ा ऐ ज़िन्दगी जो दिए तुझे मौके हज़ार जो निकले खुद को ढूंढने तो तबीयत से तराशा जो निकले खुद को बाँटने तो हमें ही टुकड़ा-टुकड़ा कर दिया जो निकले भरोसे का दामन पकड़ने तो लोगों के शक्ल ही बदल दिए जो चले दो मीठे बोल बोलने तो उसकी बाज़ार सजवा दी महसूस तो करवा पर इतना न कि सांस से अलग होना चाहूँ तुझे ढूंढने के लिए ही हम ने की है मशक्कत जो यही सिखा दे कि नाउम्मीद न हो जाऊँ क्या करूँ ऐ ज़िन्दगी और किसे दूँ ये मौके हज़ार __________________________________ 16.05.2020 कभी तो ज़िन्दगी की तलब ऐसी लगती है कि लगता है सामने रखी काग़ज़ पे उसे परोस कर बस एक कश लगाऊँ। एक साँस और ज़िन्दगी जुदा। _______________________ 26.05.2020 सहम सी गईं हैं खुशियाँ बोलती नहीं आजकल मुझसे ढाँढस बंधाती हैं मुझे तू जी बस आज कभी आराम से कश लगाएँगे| ______________________ 04.09.2020 करो ना ज़ाया इन अश्क़ों को हुज़ूर ग़म-ए-नुमाइश में कहीं अकेले न पड़ जाओ।

I have to smile yet again For I am back to the old days. Once again at the same crossroads Where I prayed never to come to. Where days became years And I became queer. Where words were stuck Wrapped within my tongue But you were in rush to hear So built your monologue. It's the immensity of love I have That will keep me afloat I hope. On a dead sea with nectons. For if I drown why would I Ever want to get back to the surface. I cannot mourn you yet, I have no energy left. I only hope kinder words Await me in my future. It's not my vanity I am so easily misheard. The naked, raw body wishes It were the shadow that follows. For it doesn't worry And most importantly feel. So the kindness is only the food That fills the dying ghost. It aches to smile But nothing like listening to The whimper of a bruised heart. So what do I do I smile. 

All that we want  Is here with us. Bring out your hands  Let the air hit you fresh.  But sometimes alas The winds don't blow.  Like an ephemera  We screech ourselves slow.  A day of being one  A day of truth  A day to show everything That's inside you. Truth is tough to hide The nooks are too full. Scare of shame or load of  Expectations tuning into a lull. A risky business to  Gauge the two sides. But in moment and why not It sounds all right.  All that we want  Is where, not with me. Where's the air When I want to breathe!  _______________________________________

Walking across the dense I often turn around To look for a soul Who might be around. I often tumble and Bruise too often. The mate could wait up Just check up on my pain. Some cheeky words of care Would sound in wilderness, The energy could melt the cold And bring in some warmness. This hope could bring out The humans from the blubber. Oh the morphs could finally Rest once dug deep under. A communion of souls Of merriment and joy What fun would that be To face death like that, oy! _________________________________________________ Courtesy : https://www.behance.net/gallery/66232473/SILENTIUM-A-Lone-Soul

I want to be adrift this water My back would touch the pearls of calm, Nothing like the tip of knife. My paranoia finally at rest, I sigh. I want to be adrift this water. May be the fishies gulp some air at me And some may even jump yet I would be at peace with their intent. I want to float around in this water, Because it would do its best To not let me fall once it permits. I won't fear the lifelessness when it hits. I want to splash on in this water. Gripping me from below the benthos. I can kick I can turn I can slide I can run. I want to lie afloat this water, The microscopic colonnade of the columns For they will form me into a shape Finally an identity I won't hate.    _________________________________________________  Courtesy : Kathy

Today is the day I run, I run I run I run so far, To where no one can find me, To where I can be alone. Just tell me where's that and The route map for the same. I have too many things Too much haste to find on my own. Oh finally I would be alone. I and my mind at peace together. Rent from hustle of life, To think or not to whether. To end the dearth inside me The daily struggle of morning to night. Puerile me at best and rest. To not be ground like a truant I am not Resuscitate my half-breaths before they die. Hope once again is creeping I am ready to go. But assure me that Eden exists What if I get lost again. Oh boy! Voices in my head Are once again soughing. With the echolalia I feel timidity taking over me. They smirk and heckle Harmony of I and my mind. "At peace huh!" I feel a Roll of eyes in my head inside. Pawn of my mind How can I rest I remind myself. Sheared with the gangrene of mind. I am immobile ...