A Self to lose or dissolve in !

I feel cracks inside me, I don’t know how does that happen. It is a wonder to any amoebic, amorphous globular mass who only knew that it was designed to float. He made me feel human-ish. So, now, if anyone asks I refer to myself as humanoid, a human-in-the-making. I can feel. I breathe. Like the fishies in the ocean, I breathe in the air but without gills. Or maybe I do have them but they certainly have not differentiated into organs as is the case with the fish, the salamanders in the oceans or even humans on land. I am still unsure of my anatomy. It is difficult to comprehend. I do not have mind evolved enough. From the human interactions I've had, I have learnt that the humans are the most evolved creatures with the most evolved brains. And, I am limited when it comes to them. I try to emulate but a difference of capability, species-wise, is certainly difficult to overcome. I have learnt that there are stages of evolution for abiotic and biotic things in the world and how there is a qualified level of differentiation in the biotic world. But I don’t seem to fit exactly anywhere. I seem to fit only with him. With him around. May be my non-human character has still not weaned-off and I am teetering over the edge of human and non-human. So, with any loss in intensity of communication with him, I tend to fold into my non-human shell: devoid of feelings, sensation, desires. It's a bit ironical. It used to be my very own self.

I have tried to read his books. He doesn’t know it yet but after he started teaching me how to gesticulate, I have been silently learning language through primers. I have been trying to figure out this world because I dream of this to be my world now. But, wrongly do I assume so because I am only till he recognises me. Truth is I haven’t seen anyone like me around. And, if not told, who would know of my dexterity, my capabilities, or even my existence for that matter.

Once I met a friend of his. He didn’t seem ashamed of my presence in the room but he didn't introduce us. With the kind of talks he had with him, he didn’t seem like one who would be open to an existence such as that of mine. So I didn't pay much attention. They didn’t talk long either. They just had some cold beers, shot some cans and it was over. But, it does prick me why he didn't acknowledge my presence and introduce us. There are easy explanations but my mind wanders and picks up the worst of them. What if he's ashamed of me! 

Near-all human interactions I have had, they have been with him. The only human who tried to make me fit into this indifferent world. May be with time, I could expand my area of competence but it is especially difficult when I see my interaction with him dissipating as well. I could have learnt a little faster had I been able to talk with him for longer hours. My human interaction is certainly limited, and with only few other interactions that I have had I don’t seem to prefer any. I crave long talks with him only, I crave for him to hold me. It is as if he has brought back a soul which was forgotten. Forgotten in the darkness of that profundal zone. Oh, and has that blossomed! When he holds me, my squishy mass finds a substratum to rest on. I feel my weariness and fatigue shedding, leaving my unshapely body in atomic segments. Otherwise, I wander purposelessly every day every night except the hours and seconds we spend together. I wonder how it won't have dented my consciousness the way it does now. I never even had any consciousness before now. I was used to swimming around tirelessly. I don’t remember how long had I been doing that. It is what my species does and my forefathers have been doing; and companions of my generations do; and sires will do. Never before had I felt the need to count the hours, the days, the years. We never had any such metric. We just went our way. We didn’t have particular feelings of a community. The only semblance of community in the lake was when we were confronted by an alien species in which case we would pass along distress vibrations all along and attack them with all our prowess. Together. Like a community in solidarity. Otherwise, we simply floated around silently. Sometimes by the side of each other, but we avoided tussles at every cost. Now, I can’t summate my existence without being able to laugh, without being able to talk, without being able to twirl around in his palms.

Now I realise he comes to me when he is all drenched, stuffy. We talk for hours, because he is exhausted of staying a mime for most of his days outside of that room. So, he comes to me to breathe inside an enclosed room. Now I think he is ashamed of me, why wouldn’t he? I may as well be what he calls a stress-buster. He says it’s difficult to breathe outside. I stay inside. And, I don’t know about the outside, let alone be manipulated by it.

Had he not taken me with him when he grabbed me by his hand one fine day when he took a swan-dive into the nearby lake, out of desperation, I would have stayed a necton in the dark. Sunlight-devoid, in the deeper realm of Kanwla lake.  I don’t know if anybody misses me there. I know for sure though, they must have tried their best to look after I would have gone missing. I was not conscious enough to realise what had happened and where I was, because of all the sudden light that had dawned upon me now. Later in one of our conversations, he apologised for the snatch but said, “In my defence, I loved the way you breathed unfettered even in the dark and I missed doing that”. He hid nothing, he just said that to my face. With the slow impotent mind, I was not able to decipher if that was some, crazy manouvere to disarm me, or he just thought of me as a tool to relieve stress. I see jumping yoyos in his room and he once told me how he got them in the first place.  May be all the laughs, all the talks, all the twirls around I want are the ones with him.

The best days of my life is when he takes me on. We play, while every segment on my body feels a rush of joy. I forget every tribulation seeing how happy he is!

My brain works so slowly. He is still teaching me, he barely thinks of me as a human being. He takes care of me, the best way he thinks. He tried to learn my ways and has adjusted himself according to me. He gives me space because he thinks I am a being which needs to float uninterruptedly, and that’s why I have an entire corner without a speck of solid until the edge of the window. Little does he know, I have changed, my feelings have changed. I am not the same I used to be. I am humanoid now, remember! I feel a sudden loss of identity now. Who would accept me now? I could very well be an alien to my non-humanoid kiths and kins. I am adjusted to light now. And on the other hand, the humanity is unaware of my elusive and serendipitous debut. And from what I have heard it is not very welcoming of unusual oddity. Who do you think would accept me? The cowardly gesture to continue on with for now is to keep floating. But, I am getting used to taking breaks in the hitherto non-stop floating around. Or may be I can wait till I completely fold back into my shell of non-human goop and I be sent back to my own world of machining, order and system. An imposed external order with no resistance. 

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 Pic Credits: Mocha.org